


"You ruined my murder puzzle"

by Lyss2011



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Murder on the Rockport Limited, a little more murder a little less mystery, or rather a little different murder and mystery?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2020-05-12 04:37:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19221727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyss2011/pseuds/Lyss2011
Summary: Griffin:I'm just saying, we need to do a series wrap on Jenkins this episode, cause I don't think I'm gonna be able to do him next week.Travis:I kill Jenkins!Griffin:Wait, what?





	1. Murder on the Rockport Limited: Chapter Three

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't finished writing this yet, so I can't make promises on the updating schedule. I kept it in the same style as the transcripts of episodes online so hopefully it's okay to follow?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This starts in the middle of Chapter 3 of Murder on the Rockport Limited arc (hence the chapter title) and I did not type it all out. A quick overview is: They get on the train, meet Hudson the engineer and give up their weapons. They see the other passengers but don't talk to them yet, and enter the sleeper car, where they meet Jenkins.

**Jenkins:** I am a wizard who attends to your needs on the train. You let me know if you have any questions. I can take your bags, and I have a few other luxury services I can provide. 

**Griffin:** My thr- voice is, like, shot from this weekend, and it's really- I, like- we have to record all of-

**Travis:** [crosstalk] No one made you do this voice, Griffin.

**Griffin:** I’m just saying, we need to do a series wrap on Jenkins in this episode, cause I don’t think I’m gonna be able to do him next week.

**Travis:** [laughing] I kill Jenkins!

**Griffin:** Wait, what?

**Travis:** I was just trying to help-

**Griffin:** Are you seriously going to kill this guy you just met?

**Travis:** Well let me ask you this, Griffin. Does he look suspicious?

**Griffin:** He is a tall elven man wearing the Rockport Limited uniform and technicolor bowtie. I don’t know, you tell me, you just talked to him!

**Clint:** Are we alone with him?

**Griffin:** Yes, you’re in the sleeper car with him, he was just about to help you with your luggage. Are you actually going to kill him?

**Travis:** Why not? It's been a while since we killed anyone.

**Justin & Clint:** Yeah!

**Griffin:** Okay just a reminder though, you do not have access to your weapons. You gave them up when you got on the train and they’re locked away in the caboose with the relic. And he did just tell you that he was a wizard.

**Travis:** Hmm, okay. Maybe…Taako, you wanna do the honors? You still have your umbra staff right?

**Taako:** Of course, my dude! Coming right up!

**Justin:** I cast Magic Missile, as a second level spell. So at second level or higher, the spell creates one more dart for each slot above first.

**Griffin:** Alright so you get four magic missiles. Let's roll that damage. 

**Justin:** That's three, two, three, four. So twelve points of damage.

**Clint:** Nice!

**Griffin:** Um. Let's roll initiative, I guess.

**Clint:** Eighteen!

**Travis:** Oof, only a seven.

**Griffin:** Justin?

**Justin:** That's a sixteen.

**Griffin:** Okay so Jenkins goes first. Um, he’s enraged and a little confused as to why you just attacked him on a train that’s barely out of the station. 

**Magnus:** Aw, you understand, don’t you Jenkins?

**Jenkins:** No, I really don’t. I’m just- I just wanted to help. You haven’t even set your luggage down yet.

**Merle:** Well you’re helping a lot ol’ buddy.

**Jenkins:** I don’t- it’s against the code to hurt passengers-

**Justin:** Is he gonna attack us or what?

**Griffin:** Hey, talking is a free action!

**Jenkins:** I can- I can see that there’s no talking you down from this, seeing as you attacked me unprovoked. So really, this was self-defense. Can somebody- can someone please tell that to my superiors?

**Magnus:** Yeah yeah yeah, of course, Jenkins.

**Travis:** I'm cracking my knuckles menacingly as I say that.

**Griffin:** Uh, Jenkins raises his wand and a bolt of fiery flames shoots out of it, aiming for Taako. [rolls dice] And he rolled a two. And uh, misses Taako by a country mile.

**Travis:** The triple bunk bed goes up in flames.

**Clint:** Good thing we didn't put our luggage down!

**Justin:** What Jenkins didn’t get to tell us was that he’s a wizard attendant because this was the only job he could get. He’s just not that good.

**Griffin:** Next in the order is Merle.

**Clint:** I cast Sacred Flame. Flame-like radiance descends on a creature that you can see within range. The target must succeed on a dexterity saving throw or take 1d8 radiant damage.

**Griffin:** He rolled an eleven which is not gonna do it, is it?

**Clint:** One d8 radiant damage.

**Griffin:** Okay so roll that for me.

**Clint:** That's a five.

**Griffin:** Okay. 

**Clint:** Plus one for the holy symbol right? For the Extreme Teen Bible?

**Griffin:** Uh, yes. So Jenkins takes six points of damage, and he is bloodied. Next in the order is Taako. 

**Taako:** It's getting kind of hot in here.

**Justin:** I cast Ray of Frost. Uh... twenty two. 

**Griffin:** Uh, yeah that's a hit.

**Travis:** Nice!

**Justin:** 'Kay. And then it does... six damage.

**Griffin:** Uh, okay cool, he is very bad off. Um, next in the order is Magnus!

**Travis:** Hey Griffy? What's around us again? Is there some kind of weaponry...?

**Griffin:** Um, there is a half-burning, half frozen triple bunk bed next to Jenkins, there’s um, well whatever you brought for luggage, yeah, not a whole lot else.

**Travis:** Okay our luggage, is it like, y’know, big bulky luggage? Did anyone pack a bag full of rocks I could hit him with?

**Clint:** Y’know, I did pick up some in between being slimed and having my blood sucked out of me and running to catch the train. People don’t know this, but Merle is a big rock collector.

**Travis:** I bet he loves being on the moon then.

**Justin:** [laughing] He just goes around collecting gravel from the Bureau and selling it when we come down for missions.

**Clint:** Hey, maybe Leeman Kessler is a rock collector! We don't know! 

**Griffin:** No, he’s not. You would have had to establish that before. 

**Travis:** Okay, so no rocks then. Taako, what did you bring?

**Justin:** I mean, I don’t think we brought much, right? We would have had to carry it while fighting the leeches.

**Travis:** Good point. Okay then, I step up- Griffin how far away is Jenkins from me?

**Griffin:** Uh, not that far, it’s a small car.

**Travis:** Okay, I step up and punch Jenkins in the face with Phantom Fist.

**Griffin:** Okay. 

**Travis:** It's a... twenty two.

**Griffin:** That hits. 

**Travis:** And I hit him for, eight points of damage. 

**Griffin:** Okay, uh, Jenkins goes down. [nervous laughter] 

[everyone else cheers]

**Griffin:** Taako, your Umbra Staff starts to pull you towards Jenkins' dead body. It starts tugging you and you see a wand sticking out of Jenkins' robes. 

**Justin:** I- I- I eat the wand with my uh, the Umbra Staff. 

**Griffin:** Yeah, the Umbra Staff, uh, deploys, it opens up like uh, an umbrella and then it sort of turns inside out like uh, an umbrella in the rain, in the- in the wind. Uh, and uh, the wand, uh, flies into the mouth, basically- of your umbrella, which uh, rattles and and uh, then sort of opens and closes like it’s chewing it up and then uh, when it closes again, uh, the- the wand is gone uh, and uh, you look down and your umbrella actually has a uh, a marking on the handle- like a sigil, uh, that is actually in the shape of an umbrella, uh, on it. So your Umbra Staff just ate the wand of this wizard that you have bested.

**Justin:** Great.

**Griffin:** So you just killed a train employee on an express train with only three other passengers. You know like, you weren’t exactly being subtle about this, and now you’re stuck on a train for the next three hours with Jenkins’ dead body.

**Travis:** Good point. 

**Clint:** Chuck him out the window!

**Justin:** No, guys guys guys listen. I have a spell called Levitate. 

**Clint:** Oh, that's good.

**Taako:** I just need you two to open the window for me.

**Travis:** I put Merle on my shoulders so he can open the window. 

**Griffin:** Okay uh, roll a strength check to pick Merle up.

**Travis:** Oh Griffin, I don't need to do that! I'm strong!

**Griffin:** You do, because if it goes wrong it'll be hilarious. 

**Travis:** I rolled a fifteen. 

**Griffin:** You pick Merle up and put him on your shoulders, Magnus. 

**Clint:** Griffin do I need to roll to open the window?

**Griffin:** Y’know, it sticks- no, you’re good, the window slides right open. Only the best on the Rockport Limited.

**Travis:** Except for the murder.

**Griffin:** Except for the murder.

**Clint:** Okay so do we do it?

**Griffin:** Yeah, you levitate his body Taako, and you see another wand fall out of his robes, which he wasn't using when he tried- when he lit the bunk beds on fire. 

**Justin:** And it's not- my Umbra Staff didn't eat it?

**Griffin:** No it did not.

**Justin:** Okay. I pick it up and put it in my pocket.

**Griffin:** So you levitate his body and then, do you have control over his movements? Is he just floating in midair?

**Justin:** Let's see...The target can move only by pushing or pulling against a fixed object or surface within reach, such as a wall or ceiling, which allows it to move as if it were climbing. You can change the target's altitude by up to twenty feet in either direction on your turn. If you are the target, blah blah blah... Oh! Otherwise, you can use your action to move the target, which must remain within the spell's range."

**Griffin:** Okay great so you levitate his body right out the window, and as soon as you do, the door behind you slides open.

**Justin:** Oh shit.


	2. Murder on the Rockport Limited: Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Angus and Graham!

**Griffin:** Previously, on The Adventure Zone: 

**Hudson:** My name is Hudson. I’m the engineer of this train.

 **Griffin:** Walking through the passenger car, you only see three other passengers.

 **Jenkins:** Hello, I'm Jenkins.

 **Travis:** I kill Jenkins. 

**Griffin:** You levitate his body right out the window, and as soon as you do the door behind you slides open.

 **Justin:** Oh shit. 

**Announcer:** Are our boys going to be kicked off the train like Jenkins? Let's find out on The Adventure Zone!

 

 **Griffin:** So let me set the scene again for you. You’re in the sleeper car, with a half-burning, half-frozen triple bunk bed, Merle is on top of Magnus’ shoulders, and the door opens just as Taako levitates Jenkins’ body out the window. And it’s the fancy boy you saw before.

 **Fancy Boy:** Oh, hello sirs- oh my god, what’s- what’s happening? Why is- why are you on top of his shoulders? What happened to your beds, was there some sort of terrible accident?

 **Taako:** Y-yes, it just. Our beds spontaneously erupted in flames. Ka-boom! I had to use ray of frost, you see, to try and put the fire out but it wasn’t very effective. I'm usually much better than this. 

**Merle:** And I climbed Mag-

 **Magnus:** Diddly

 **Merle:** Diddly's shoulders here, to open the windows to let the smoke out. 

**Fancy Boy:** Well usually when trying to stop a fire you want to keep the windows closed, sir, but it is pretty smoky in here. I can see why you wanted to open a window. 

**Merle:** Well, maybe we can get out of here then, huh? Smoke rises, you know, and I'm the tallest person in the room right now. 

**Travis:** I put Merle down. 

**Taako:** So, where should we go? Somewhere with not a lot of people right?

 **Fancy Boy:** I think I should go tell Jenkins about this, y'know, I don't think he'll be too happy to hear that you burnt your beds down. 

**Taako:** [under his breath] Good luck with that. 

**Magnus:** But it wasn't us! It was just- spontaneous combustion! Poor worksmanship, really. I could do better. 

**Merle:** Yeah! All of a sudden, poof! Up it goes!

 **Griffin:** He gets out a little notebook and starts writing things down. 

**Fancy Boy:** What are your names sirs? That's Diddly, what are your names?

 **Merle:** I'm Leeman Kessler, and that there is-

 **Taako:** Justin. 

[laughter]

 **Fancy Boy:** Those are great names. My name's Angus!

 **Magnus:** What's your last name, Angus?

 **Angus:** McDonald. We should really get out of here in case the beds spontaneously combust again. 

**Griffin:** He leads you back into the passenger car, where you sit in the corner with him. The other two passengers give you some strange looks, because you smell like smoke and your clothes are a little singed. And you're also three grown men following a small child. 

**Taako:** Hi Angus, where are you from?

 **Angus:** Me? I'm not allowed to say.

 **Magnus:** Are you from Phandalin?

 **Angus:** No, where is that? 

**Magnus:** [crosstalk] Good. Doesn't matter.

 **Angus:** I've never even heard of Phandalin.

 **Magnus:** And you never will.

 **Taako:** And you never will.

 **Angus:** Where- where are you from sirs?

 **Merle:** Uhh, we're from...

 **Justin:** Griffin did we ever find out where Leeman Kessler was from? 

**Griffin:** No but we can retcon that. He's from...let's see-

 **Clint:** New York, but it's spelled N-O-O Y-O-R-Q-U-E.

 **Griffin:** No, no...Uh, he's from, he's from, a city called Goldcliff. 

**Merle:** We're from Goldcliff.

 **Angus:** I've never heard of Goldcliff either. 

**Merle:** [laughing] Me neither!

 **Griffin:** You- yeah you know Goldcliff, everybody knows Goldcliff, it's like the financial center of power in this world.

 **Merle:** So you don't travel much do you? Apparently everybody knows Goldcliff.

 **Angus:** No, I like to read my books because it- it's like I get to go on a journey in my mind!

 **Magnus:** [whispering] What little kid likes reading? It's him!

 **Merle:** Angus, do you like magic tricks?

 **Angus:** I do. I like them very much, my grandpa said he would take me to one in Neverwinter. He would take me- He told me--

 **Magnus:** What's your grandpa's name?

 **Angus:** My grandpa told me, he said, “I’m going to take you to a magic trick!” It didn’t make a lot of sense-

 **Magnus:** Angus, are you off-put by three grown men standing over you, asking you a bunch of questions?

 **Angus:** No, I was hoping I would meet people and make friends on the train.

 **Merle:** Even though you’re not allowed to talk to ‘em? That’s pretty interesting!

 **Angus:** Well, strangers aren’t strangers anymore once you’ve talked to them and learned their names.

 **Magnus:** So what's your grandpa's name?

 **Angus:** My grandpa forgot his name. He’s very old.

 **Magnus:** Wait, but you also forgot it? You never knew it, Angus?

[Justin laughing]

 **Angus:** The memory of my grandpa’s name died long before I was born.

 **Travis:** [laughs] It’s a word not spoken since the birth of dragons.

[Justin still laughing]

 **Angus:** He prefers- He prefers grandpa. I call him grandpa, ‘cause he’s my grandpa. I love him.

 **Magnus:** [whispering] This is definitely a set-up. He's the bad guy!

 **Merle:** Well let me show him my magic trick.

 **Justin:** [still laughing] Just let it ride.

 **Merle:** Let me show you this magic trick, alright?

 **Angus:** Okay, sir.

 **Merle:** It- it's called Zone of Truth. And when I cast Zone of Truth, well, you'll just have to see how cool it is.

 **Magnus:** No wait! 

**Clint:** Merle casts Zone of Truth.

 **Angus:** My- my brain feels like it's tingling. I feel like I’m sneezing, but long. Like a long sneeze.

[Travis laughs]

 **Merle:** That's the magic!

 **Angus:** Is it- uh- it's not a- I uh- okay!

 **Merle:** Great! 

**Angus:** I get a chance to roll and resist this, right?

 **Merle:** Yes you do, you get to throw a charisma saving roll.

 **Griffin:** Okay.

 **Travis:** And- and Clinton, remind me, does this affect all of us in the zone?

 **Clint:** No it's just whoever I target it.

 **Travis:** Oh thank Jesus.

 **Griffin:** I don't think that's true.

 **Justin:** I don't actually think that's accurate either.

 **Griffin:** I think the Zone of Truth is a zone. Otherwise it would just be called Truth Beam- and you would hit it-

[Clint laughs]

 **Griffin:** Uh, he rolled a 24. 

**Clint & Justin:** What?

 **Griffin:** And he-

 **Travis:** No that's too low, we were looking for a 25. 

**Angus:** Hey, the tingles went away! That was a weird trick. 

**Magnus:** Well, you're growing up!

 **Justin:** Can I- can I have a little side chat? If this fool just rolled a 24, he is uhh a really fucking bad guy. That’s like some mysterious shit.

 **Travis:** [crosstalk whispering] He's the bad guy!

 **Clint:** How can y- how can you roll a 20-sided dice and get a 24?

 **Griffin:** He had a lotta charisma. He's a charismatic young man.

 **Travis:** [laughing] He's- he's in the Boy Scouts of America, he volunteers at his local soup kitchen, he's a great kid. [whispering] He's definitely the bad guy!

 **Clint:** Magnus, kill him.

 **Travis:** Well-

 **Clint:** Kill him.

 **Travis:** Hold on-

 **Griffin:** Are you ser- are you just going to kill everyone on this train one by one? 

**Clint:** Well if we do that, then no one will be able to kill us and steal the relic. 

**Griffin:** But you will be charged for murder.

 **Clint:** Nah, Griffin wouldn't do that to us now would he?

 **Griffin:** Well. How- how else did you think this could go? Oh yes we ki- everyone’s dead, uh, no idea how that happened, okay, goodbye!

[Justin laughs]

 **Clint:** Well yeah.

 **Travis:** This is a fantasy world, Griffin. Who says they have the same rules as us?

 **Griffin:** Me! Literally me! 

[Justin still laughing]

 **Clint:** [sighs] Fine, fine, we won't kill Angus.

 **Griffin:** Angus says

 **Angus:** Pardon me, sirs, do you have any fruit leather? I ran- I just plum ran out.

 **Magnus:** Alright, Angus. We're going to go talk to Juicy Wizard.

 **Angus:** Uh. Okay. I had a good chat with you and I liked-

 **Magnus:** Okay, we're done.

 **Angus:** Okay sirs, well thank you very much for take-

 **Magnus:** Angus! Take the hint.

[Clint laughs]

 **Angus:** Kay bye, just thanks for the company, bye! 

**Griffin:** As you turn to walk away from him, you swear that you see the color of his eyes just turn blood red, [laughter] and- No, I’m fucking with you. That’s not true. Umm, you’re going to talk to Juicy Wizard?

 **Travis:** Mhmm.

 **Griffin:** Okay, Juicy- Juicy Wizard is uh, sort of, uh, running his hands over the paneling on the side of the passenger car, like just sort of eyeballing it. Like, studying it almost? And he's like-

 **Juicy Wizard:** Wow, this- I think this is real mahogany. Don't you guys love being on this train? This train's the best!

 **Magnus:** It's pretty dope! 

**Travis:** Magnus is also checking out the wood paneling. 

**Juicy Wizard:** Sorry, what are your names? I feel rude ‘cause I talked about how much I love this train before I introduced myself. And before you had a chance to introduce yourselves.

 **Magnus:** Oh, uh, my name is Diddly.

 **Juicy Wizard:** Diddly?

 **Magnus:** Mhmm. Did-Diddly.

 **Juicy Wizard:** Is that short for something?

 **Magnus:** Bo-Diddly.

 **Juicy Wizard:** Wouldn't it- wouldn't Bo be a much easier way to truncate that particular moniker?

 **Magnus:** Way less fun, am I right, my man?

 **Juicy Wizard:** You are so right! My name is-

 **Magnus:** High five!

 **Juicy Wizard:** Okay, let’s get that out there [sound of high-five] Now I can tell you that my name is Graham. It’s not as fun. I still sound like the boy that you were just talking to-

[overlapping laughing and agreeing]

 **Magnus:** You have a youthful energy about you!

 **Taako:** Yeah. A very Angus-like vibe.

 **Graham:** Uh, what are your guys’ names?

 **Merle:** I’m Leeman. Leeman Kessler.

 **Graham:** Hi, Leeman!

 **Merle:** Hi, Graham.

 **Taako:** Justin.

 **Graham:** Uh, I can’t help but notice your garb. Your robe and your hat. Are you perchance a wizard too?

 **Taako:** Yeah, man.

 **Travis:** [crosstalk] [laughs] Totally!

 **Taako:** Don’t you recognize me from TV?

[Someone makes a shushing sound]

 **Graham:** Oh my god, is it really you?

 **Taako:** Justin… [someone laugh-wheezes] …is a stage name. No, wait. Strike that. [Clint and Travis laugh] Taako-- How old are you, Graham?

 **Graham:** Me?

 **Taako:** Yep.

 **Graham:** Oh, I’m-- I’m, uh-- Me? Oh, my age?

 **Taako:** Yep.

 **Graham:** Me? My age?

 **Griffin:** I’m trying to--

 **Graham:** [voice getting deeper] Me? My age? I’m an-- I’m not a little boy; I’m--

 **Travis:** He’s aging before our very eyes!

[laughter]

 **Taako:** Okay, pipe down, Benjamin--

 **Graham:** [crosstalk] I’m thirty-six years young!

 **Taako:** Pipe down, Benjamin Button; let me lay it down for you. Um, I’m Taako the wizard from TV; yes, it’s great to meet you too. Ah, but on the train, uhhh, when I’m in private life, I go by my real name, Justin Leeman.

 **Graham:** Oh, that’s not that weird to have a train name. [laughter] A name-- A name that you use, only on trains. Can I tell you something?

 **Taako:** Yeah-- [laughs]

 **Graham:** [voice slightly deeper] Can I tell you-- Can I tell you something?

 **Taako:** Please.

 **Graham:** [voice getting even deeper] Can I tell you something?

[Clint laughs]

 **Taako:** Yeah, go-- go nuts, my man.

 **Graham:** Graham is my train name.

[Clint chuckles]

 **Taako:** Do you have another real name?

 **Graham:** Yeah! Per--

 **Taako:** What is it?

 **Graham:** Percy.

 **Merle:** Good choice with Graham.

 **Taako:** Yeah, Graham is way better.

 **Graham:** It just feels like a thing that you would say on a train!

 **Taako:** [crosstalk] Yeah, absolutely-- it does. It feels like a train name, I was thinking that.

 **Merle:** [crosstalk] Mhm.

 **Graham:** [crosstalk] Check this out: “All aboard, Percy!” It just doesn’t work, does it? Anyway--

 **Taako:** [crosstalk] Doesn’t work.

 **Graham:** Graham’s-- Graham’s my name.

 **Taako:** Graham, what’s your school of magic, my man?

 **Graham:** Uh, I’m undeclared. Workin’ on it! It’s just--

 **Taako:** [crosstalk] Oh, that’s fine. I remember that age.

 **Graham:** [crosstalk] I move down one ladder, and it’s like--

 **Taako:** [crosstalk] Sure.

 **Graham:** [crosstalk] --Yeah, I-- evocation’s pretty great, but I’d sure love to turn that apple into, uh, s-something else! See, I lack creativity, and that help-- that hinders me.

 **Taako:** That’s a hindrance, right, but you’ll find it. Don’t beat yourself up.

 **Graham:** Will I?

 **Taako:** Mm…

 **Clint:** Hm.

 **Travis:** He is thirty-six.

 **Graham:** What I really wanna do,

 **Griffin:** he says, is, uh,

 **Graham:** is I, uh, I would love to work on a train. It’s been my dream my whole life, is to be, be a work on a train, be whatever role they need me on, just to live life on the rails. It’s just someth-- It’s just always appeal-- This train is amazing! 

**Taako:** [crosstalk] Grab-- Just grab a mop, my man! Grab life by the horns.

 **Graham:** What do you-- Just, like, start mopping? And just, like, see--

 **Taako:** Just start mopping, yeah!

 **Graham:** And see what happens?

 **Taako:** Sure!

 **Graham:** Is that the Secret?

 **Merle:** Either that, or be a hobo.

 **Taako:** YOLO.

 **Graham:** I could be a yobo.

[Clint laughs]

 **Taako:** A YOLO hobo.

 **Graham:** I would have a hard time finding a place where I could squat on- on this particular train. But, uh--

 **Magnus:** No, just go in the bathroom!

 **Graham:** Gross. [Clint and Travis laugh] What a very gross thing. Yeah, I’ve--I actually--it’s uncomfortable because, um, I just applied to be on this train, and I didn’t get accepted. Um, and so I just sort of came on to shadow, uh, Jenkins, just to, like, see what I could learn. See what I could pick up--

 **Travis:** I lean over to Taako.

 **Magnus:** [whispering] Motive! That’s motive!

 **Taako:** You’re a- You’re a worse wizard than Jenkins?

 **Graham:** I feel like this conversation is starting to take a turn for the worse, so I’m gonna head out. Not leave, ‘cause the train’s going through a mountain, and I would die, [Clint and Justin laugh] but, you get the picture.

 **Taako:** Sure, yeah.

 **Graham:** It was great to meet you guys!

 **Griffin:** Uh, and he, uh, walks [amused] just not very far away from you. Uh, he- he walks, uh, like eight feet away from you and sits down at a table by himself. It was very clear he didn’t have any pressing, like, engagement that he needed to get to. He just-- I think he preferred not your company at that point.

 **Clint:** We are really making friends on this train.

 **Justin:** Influencing people.


	3. Chapter 4 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's pretend there was a (very long) ad break in there. This part took me longer than I thought it would

**Griffin:** So Graham's just walked away to the other side of the car to talk to the third passenger. And you turn around to see Angus approaching you again. 

[All groan]

 **Angus:** Hello sirs! Have you seen Jenkins around? He offered me a trip in his pleasure chamber but now I can't- I can't find him. 

**Magnus:** He WHAT?

 **Angus:** A trip to the- to the pleasure ch- he didn't offer you a trip to the pleasure chamber when you saw him earlier?

 **Taako:** N-no? I don't think so?

 **Justin:** I lean over to Merle. 

**Taako:** [whispering] Did he?

 **Merle:** [whispering] I- I can't remember.

 **Clint:** Griffin, did he offer us a trip to the pleasure chamber before we killed him?

 **Griffin:** No, no, and you get the feeling that maybe, maybe you shouldn't have killed this innocent man before you heard him out?

 **Travis:** Griffin! He offered this little- wait how old is Angus?

 **Angus:** I'm a- I'm a- a- eight- what- How old? I'm ten- did I say how old I was last time?

 **Merle:** Ten

 **Travis:** So he offered a ten year old to go to his pleasure chamber, Griffin! We did Angus a service- the whole train a service, really.

 **Angus:** I really wanted to go to my- my grandpa's library so I can find some- read some books.

 **Clint:** Are the books he has with him now not enough for him? 

**Taako:** I'm more interested in- Angus, how do- can you explain how the pleasure chambers work? Cause Jenkins never offered to take us, and- and I want to go yell at him-

 **Clint:** [crosstalk] Oh that's good, it removes suspicion.

 **Taako:** [crosstalk] But- but how can I yell at him if I don't even know what he didn't offer us?

 **Angus:** Oh of course sir! A- a pleasure chamber is created with powerful transmutation magics that allow someone to go into a room- 

**Taako:** [crosstalk] Well I don't need magic for that, I mean I could just walk into any old room I please. 

**Angus:** [crosstalk] And- and the room is- it can only have one exit and you can't take anything out of it and no one else is there. It's pretty complicated. 

**Merle:** Sounds pretty simple to me. 

**Taako:** Yeah I got it. And Jenkins could- excuse me, _can_ do this?

 **Angus:** It's just one of the many services he offers to train passengers!

 **Taako:** Oh, good, good. Well now I can go- I can go yell at him. Uh, goodbye!

 **Justin:** And I book it out of there. This situation is getting dicey and I'm just gonna leave it to the other two to deal with. 

**Angus:** Wait, sir! I- I want to come with you!

 **Taako:** Oh, no, I don't think that's a very good idea. I'm going to say some very not nice words that you shouldn't hear.

 **Angus:** But I'm very hungry and Jenkins is the chef on this train. 

**Travis:** Oh no.

 **Clint:** I wink at Taak- Magnus.

 **Merle:** I'm hungry too, kiddo. Let's go 'n grab some grub!

 **Taako:** [sighs] Fine. But hurry up, I'm really- I'm very angry. I'm hangry.

 **Griffin:** As soon as you get into the empty dining car, Angus turns to the three of you and says,

 **Angus:** Before we find Jenkins, I'm going to need your guys' names.

 **Merle:** [confused] I'm Leeman.

 **Magnus:** Still Diddly.

 **Angus:** No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What are your guys' real names?

 **Magnus:** Huh?

 **Merle:** Uh?

 **Magnus:** 'Scuse?

 **Taako:** What do you mean, pumpkin?

 **Magnus:** Pardonnez moi?

 **Angus:** What is-- What are the names that aren’t fake that you guys actually have?

 **Magnus:** [whispering] I don’t trust him!

 **Merle:** [whispering] Hm, I really don’t trust him now.

 **Travis:** I- I lean over to Taako.

 **Magnus:** [whispering] Should I kill him?

 **Justin:** I cast detect magic.

 **Griffin:** Uh, okay. You, uh, you cast detect magic. What does that do again?

[Justin makes a vibratey sound, like a lightsaber]

 **Travis:** [laughs] It sounds like a lightsaber.

[Clint whistles a tune]

 **Justin:** It sounds like a lightsaber. …It makes my book levitate out of the closet and open to the proper page to tell me what detect magic does.

 **Griffin:** Okay.

 **Justin:** You know.

 **Travis:** We’re really good at D&D.

 **Griffin:** “Detect Magic. For the duration, you sense the presence of magic within 30 feet of you. If you sense magic in this way, you can use your action to see a faint aura around any visible creature or object in the area that bears magic, and you learn its school of magic if any.”

 **Clint:** Nice!

 **Justin:** [crosstalk] Cool.

 **Clint:** So has he got a aura?

 **Griffin:** Uh, so you’re casting this—I guess, in the thirty feet around you that would uh, pick up uh, uh, basically everything in this dining car.

 **Clint:** [crosstalk] Yeah.

 **Griffin:** Uh, his book, which is a uh, a sort of a, uh, plain blue book, without any sort of cover art, it’s not—it’s not The Secret, and if it were—I mean, it is secretive, you cannot tell what the—what the book is, but you do detect uh, traces of magic uh, on it, for divination. Uh, divination is the school of magic about learning secrets long forgotten, predicting the future, finding hidden things, and foiling deceptive spells. Uh, so you can pick that up--

 **Travis:** Griffin, can I roll to see if I can snatch the book out of his hands, and hold it above his head, tauntingly?

 **Griffin:** Absolutely, you can.

 **Travis:** Ok. [crosstalk] What would I roll?

 **Griffin:** This is uh, dungeons and—[crosstalk] a bullying check, or cyber-bullying. ‘Cause we’re doing this on the internet.

 **Clint:** [crosstalk] So you’re casting na-na na-na boo boo, right?

 **Travis:** Yeah, I roll… Yeah, I rolled a fourteen, and I have a plus eighteen to bullying. So that’s thirty-two.

[laughter]

 **Griffin:** Uh, no, it would be, uh, I uh—probably a sleight of hand check, if you’re just gonna very quickly try and grab this out of his hands, and he—

 **Travis:** I rolled a sixteen.

 **Griffin:** Ok, and he will contest that with… gosh, I don’t know.

 **Justin:** Dex—dexterity, probably?

 **Griffin:** Yeah, probably dexterity, uh… [dice rolling] he’s got a plus four to dexterity… I rolled a sixteen. That’s a twenty!

 **Travis:** [indrawn breath] Damn it.

 **Griffin:** You uh, you try to snatch it out of his hands, and he quickly rips it back and he says,

 **Angus:** Don’t do—Don’t try that again! Just—I need to know what your guys’ names are, right now!

 **Travis:** [laughing] I try it again.

 **Griffin:** Ok.

[Laughter]

 **Travis:** [dice rolling] that time it was an… eighteen.

 **Griffin:** Ok, that time I rolled a six, which is a ten. Ok, you snatch it out of his hands and hold it above his head. Uh… he says, uh,

 **Angus:** Okay, that’s not cool, man. I get it, I’m not as tall as you are--

 **Clint:** Laugh condescendingly, Trav.

 **Travis:** Okay, I uh, I roll to laugh condescendingly.

 **Griffin:** Oh, you can just do that. It’s a free—

 **Travis:** [crosstalk] Success! [condescending laughter]

 **Merle:** We’re just teasing ya, little fella. Just having some good— good sporting with ya.

 **Griffin:** Uh,

 **Angus:** It’s a great prank, and a really good goof. I need to know what your rea—

 **Travis:** I toss the book to Taako.

 **Angus:** Okay, so we’re doing this now, huh?

 **Merle:** It’s called monkey in the middle.

 **Angus:** I know what it’s called.

 **Magnus:** No, I—I can’t read magic.

 **Justin:** Ok, I look at it and I do an arcana check on the book.

 **Clint:** You already did.

 **Justin:** Uh, no, I did an arcana check on the room, I did an arcana check on the—

 **Clint:** Well, he threw it in, where he said the book is from, uh, it’s used to detect truth and—

 **Justin:** Arcana though is like what—what is it? I had my headphones off, ironically, looking for the book to tell me what detect magic—

 **Griffin:** That is—that is fucking delicious.

[Laughter]

 **Griffin:** Uh, arcana, uh, measures your ability to recall lore about spells, magic items, eldritch symbols, magical traditions, the planes of existence and the inhabitants of those planes. Uh, you uh, using your—your arcana, which you’re going to roll now before I actually tell you what happens—

 **Justin:** [dice rolling] That’s uh, twenty-two.

 **Griffin:** Twenty-two! Okay, uh, so yeah this is a—this, this book has some divination magic built into it, uh, and you actually recognize it as a interceptor book, uh and, and what it can do is uh, uh, intercept messages that are transmitted through magical means, and then display them in a plain text version, uh, of any language of the reader’s choosing, uh, on the page. Uh, on- on a page of the book. Um.

 **Justin:** And does it like, stick around, like--?

 **Griffin:** And, actually, funny you ask, as you pick it up, the book, and open it up to figure it out, the book sort of magically responds, and you can, uh, read the last message that was deciph—that was uh, uh, uh, intercepted by the book, and it reads, um,

 **Book:** Leeman Kessler and Co. not who they say they are STOP Uh. Charm magic spell performed at the station STOP Uh, uh, hand over to authorities immediately upon arrival in Neverwinter STOP

 **Justin:** Does the interceptor, as its name would imply, keep the message from getting where it’s going, or is it just sort of like—

 **Griffin:** Yes.

 **Justin:** Oh, okay, interesting.

 **Magnus:** Angus, where did you get this book?

 **Angus:** That’s not important, what is important is that the three of you tell me exactly what you’re doing on this train and what your real names are. 

**Taako:** How about we have the book, so why don’t you tell us some stuff and then we’ll give you your book back.

 **Angus:** How about—how about—

 **Magnus:** Quid pro quo, Mister Angus, quid—pro—quo!

 **Taako:** What he said!

 **Angus:** How about I’m a little boy who knows that you’re lying, and I can yell and yell and yell, and get you in lots of trouble.

 **Merle:** How about except for me, we’re much bigger than you and we can thump your gourd.

**Magnus:** Okay, wait, wait, hold on—

 **Taako:** Um, you know what? Here.

 **Justin:** I toss him the book.

 **Travis:** Yeah, I’m on board with that.

 **Angus:** Thanks.

 **Taako:** You seem okay, so what’s—so what’s the skinny, kid? My name’s Taako. You probably recognize me from TV!

 **Angus:** [laughing] TV hasn’t been invented yet, sir!

 **Taako:** It’s a—This is a place out of time. TV might have been invented.

 **Griffin:** Uh, but he uh, uh, sits down at the table and uh, opens up his book and uh, he says, uh-

 **Clint:** God, he’s not a brony, is he?

 **Griffin [in Angus voice]:** I’m a m-mad brony, yo.

 **Justin:** We love bronies.

 **Griffin:** Uh, he says uh,

 **Angus:** My name is Angus McDonald. That part you already know. Uh, I am, and I’m not being braggy, because I-- my grandpa says not to do that, but I am the world’s greatest detective.

 **Travis:** I roll my eyes.

 **Angus:** Okay. I mean I— I did detective good enough to see through your horseshit, [laughter] so I can’t be too bad.

 **Merle:** Are you saying you’re a boy detective?

 **Angus:** I-- If you want to be--reductive. [Travis laughs] I have a motto and that’s “age ain’t no thing.” Anyway, I’m the world’s greatest detective and I’m on the trail of a serial killer named the Rockport Slayer. I was hired on by the Rockport City Council and they—

 **Griffin:** I didn’t think those words through, I just sort of said them.

 **Angus:** I was hired by the Rockport City Council to track down the Rockport Slayer. He's a serial killer who has been giving them no shortage of trouble.

 **Magnus:** Mhm, mhm.

 **Angus:** He’s—he’s been in business in Rockport for a few months now. What he does is he targets wealthy individuals and he murders them and he takes their riches. And, but he never leaves a trace behind him. And, and, so I’m trying to—trying to track him down. I explained that, right?

 **Merle:** That makes perfect sense.

 **Magnus:** I think we are, we are working towards a similar goal. The three of us, we work for an org- organization… let’s leave it at that—

 **Griffin:** He narrows his eyes.

 **Angus:** What kind of organization? What's it called?

 **Magnus:** I can't...tell you. I literally-

 **Angus:** Good detective work requires that you obtain as much information about the case as you possibly can.

 **Taako:** I'll—I’ll—I’ll tell him what it's called. It's called the [static noise] of [static noise].

 **Magnus:** You got something in your throat?

 **Merle:** Did you get that okay?

 **Angus:** Is there some sort of magical charm preventing you from telling me what it actually is? 

**Merle:** Well, the thing- that thing that's preventing the [static noise] of [static noise] that we wear on our [static noise].

 **Angus:** Okay.

 **Griffin:** He looks over your bracers.

 **Angus:** Oh, I see, those are some sort of communication—[crosstalk] bracers, right?

 **Taako:** [crosstalk] Dang, Angus! You are good. Whoo!

 **Magnus:** You are, you're real good!

 **Taako:** That was, uh right between the eyes. Got 'em. 

**Griffin:** Uh, he says, uh,

 **Angus:** I am good, so if the three of you are hiding anything else, uh, just know that I will find out!

 **Magnus:** You got it!

 **Angus:** If I guess your organization will you let me know- will you tell me if I get it right? A-And not kill me?

 **Magnus:** Whoa whoa whoa, _kill_ you? Who do you think we are?

 **Taako:** I mean, you're not going to be able to guess it, but okay.

 **Angus:** Well I'm not going to guess the name, that would just be silly. I'm going to guess what your organization does. 

**Merle:** Oh, okay then. 

**Taako:** Go for it, little dude. 

**Angus:** [deep breath] Here goes. Is it—You work for the mob? 

[Laughter]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand cue music!

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos, comments and criticism welcome! Thank you for reading <3


End file.
